During Craig’s sermon on Sunday he shared, in an illustration, the fact that we suffered four miscarriages. As he spoke the words, tears instantly filled my eyes. I was transported back to the pain I felt when each one occurred. One might think that after having triplets, I would no longer think of, or pine for the babies I lost. Yet, that would be incorrect. I think of them almost daily.
The first miscarriage occurred in January 2001. The second in June 2002. The third in late October 2002. The fourth on Labor Day 2003. Two of the babies had names. They would have been named Caleb and Anika. From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I had dreamed of what they would be like, visualized the experiences we would have together, and prayed for God’s blessing on their lives. I loved each baby with all my heart.
I consider myself a person of great faith. However, after the fourth miscarriage, I found myself doubting the goodness of God. How could God make me this way, with such a strong desire to be a mother, and then not allow me to have these children. Why do women who can not adequately care for their children due to their life choices have children, and yet I cannot? It seemed so unfair.
I felt guilty. I felt as if I was responsible for the death of these babies. I felt like I was weak and unable to carry a child to term. I felt broken. I felt angry. I felt like a disappointment to my husband, family, and friends. I know these feelings of guilt, anger, and disappointment were not helpful, healthy, or accurate. Nonetheless, I felt them.
It has been 12 years since my last miscarriage. I realize that God’s plan and timing are perfect. I do not doubt God’s goodness anymore. I do not struggle with guilt, anger, or disappointment. I do, however, think about my babies. I think about the loss. It pains me. I dream about what life would have been like if they had been born. I love them and look forward to meeting them and being reunited in heaven. They will always be a part of me. I will always grieve their loss. I will never be completely the same. I will never forget.