True confession. I have felt angry at God. As most of you know, I have wanted to be a mama since I can remember. When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I always confidently responded, “A mother”. I had no plan B.
I got married at 23 and had my first baby at 27. Right on schedule. Then, the wheels fell off my plans. Miscarriage #1 occurred in January after my 29th birthday. I cried. I hurt. I trusted God knew what He was doing and I kept going. In June of my 29th year I was beginning my 2nd trimester. I knew I was carrying a boy. We named him Caleb Christian. Then, the now familiar situation began. We were in London. After waiting in a hospital waiting room on a chair uncomfortably for 8 hours I was transferred to an ultrasound room. I lay on a metal bed. A doctor walked in the room and said. “Your fetus is dead” then walked out. I just lay there calling out to God “Why?” Emotionally I was crushed. In October of my 30th year, I lost a child at 10 weeks. On Labor Day of my 31st year I was 12 weeks pregnant and the inevitable occurred.
I was completely broken, lost, and confused. I was mad at God for allowing “unfit” mothers to have children and not me. I was angry that He did not give me the desire of my heart. I wondered how a good God could allow me to get my hopes up and then dash them so cruelly. It would have been better, I felt, if I never carried those babies. I wondered what I was to do with my life, as what I had planned seemed impossible. Yes, I had Hannah. Yet, I dreamed of a big family.
It probably seems wrong that I was angry at God. What right did I have! He gave me everything yet I grumble because He didn’t give me one of the things I wanted. I sound like the people of Israel in Exodus. I knew He planned each day of my life before my conception, I just really did not like His plan. I was a mess of human emotions. I was dark. I was unhappy.
I am bearing my soul and being brutally transparent because I believe I am not the only one who has felt this way. Maybe it’s not in the area of children. Possibly it’s in a desire to be married, frustration with a job, addiction, family problems, health, financially, or any number of things. We are human! We struggle! We feel!
My story has a happy ending. God in all His creativeness allowed me to get pregnant once again in January of my 34th year. Yes, I had to wait three and a half long years. At 8 weeks along I thought I was miscarrying, but the subsequent ultrasound revealed healthy Triplets. The odds of becoming pregnant with non-invetro Triplets is 1 in 200,000. By the grace of God, this woman who could not carry a pregnancy of one baby carried 3. I truly believe God used me to show His power. It was a miracle. I have my big family. God’s plan was perfect, even if I couldn’t see it as I was living it. Often our small brains can not comprehend all God is doing. This life is just an exercise in letting go of our plans and trusting God more completely with each passing day, knowing we will not reach perfection this side of heaven. It’s all grace! Every little detail. Someday, I will be reunited with my 4 babies in heaven. I look forward to that day. 💗